Blowfish

From Uncle Melon's Pussy Eating Etiquette: Eating pussy can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for a woman (or so I read on the cover of Cosmo). It makes her feel appreciated, respected, desirable, and has the potential to give her an orgasm that will shatter glass, raise the dead, even wake you in the next room. Besides, lots of women expect it these days, and men who perform great oral sex are always in demand. If you gain a reputation as an expert, many classy, attractive women, way out of your league, may overlook your other shortcomings. Just kidding, but it gives us an excuse to talk more about vaginas.

The vagina is a mystery to most men. It's hidden away. Taken out only for special occasions and then quickly put back into hiding. Like an english muffin, its full of nooks and crannies and tastes best slathered in melted butter. For something so complex you'd think there would be instructions, or a map, or a help icon. How many times have you planted your face at heaven's door and said to yourself:

"Man, it sure would be nice if just once she told me what she liked? Should I feel free to move about the cabin or should I keep my seatbelt securely fastened and concentrate on her love button? Should I move up and down? Back and forth? In little circles? Dive in deep or doggy paddle on the surface? To finger or not?"

Men have no problem telling women what they like. To wit: "Oh yeah! That's it! Oops, sorry baby. It's OK, it's protein."

There is no mystery about a penis. It stands out in the open. Proud. Happy to be out in the breeze. No matter how small or unimpressive, every penis acts as if it's a Great Dane, the Washington Monument, or a mighty Sequoia. A penis is so simple in comparison to a vagina that I can explain everything you need to know about performing oral sex on a penis using a standard fire hydrant. That is: 'Lick there.' 'Lick there.''Lick there.''Lick there.' -- It's all good!!!

So, here we go with the advanced techniques:

The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner is really hot (i.e., very wet, me-so-horny, in heat, lust-filled, cock-hungry, faking it). These are more intense techniques, and may be too intense for some women, even when nearing orgasm. They may also lead to 9-1-1 calls to the police and follow-up restraining orders. Proceed with caution.

The Clitoris Suck
Expose her clitoris by spreading her lips and lightly pulling back her hood. When her hood is pulled back, make sure it's really her and not the cleaning lady, put the hood back and readjust your own hood in case her's falls off again. With her clitoris exposed, give it a quick little suck. Now when she tells you that you suck, you can take it as a compliment! This is a lot like licking a bit of cake batter off of your pinky, except not as tasty and it shouldn't bring back fond memories of Mom. We recommend not using your teeth nor using heavy suction (i.e. vacuum cleaner) when starting out.

The Clitoris Hold
Take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. Don't gag on it. Swallow what you can and close your eyes and make believe you're not really there. When asked if you like this, grunt an affirmation. Go to your happy place until it's all over. Take the pack of smokes and go back to your cell.This section inadvertently transcribed from my prison diary.


The Clitoris Pick and Roll
Take her exposed clit down to the local bakery. Order a nice Kaiser roll. Slather with mayo and enjoy.

The Tongue Tube
Roll your tongue into a tube (if you cannot do this, forget about it because it is genetic and you can't learn it - FYI: the rolling tongue gene is the same gene for large penises and long tongues). Roll your tongue into a tube around her clitoris so your tongue is doing something similar to a woman's vagina around a man's penis. If you can do this you really should become a homosexual and go find an actual man's penis. Why waste this talent on a little clitoris?
My tongue roll blew her away, especially when I finished with a twisting 2½ in the pike position - she was shocked and awed.

ABC’s
Try using your tongue to spell the alphabet on her genitals. This works surprisingly well as your tongue is always moving in different directions. When I'm bored I like to send subliminal messages to my lover. Stuff like, "Doing the dishes is fun," and "Stop inviting your annoying friend, Rachel over to our house," and my favorite, "When are you going to come? I've lost all feeling in my jaw and Sportcenter started 10 minutes ago." If your lover is a non-English speaker do your best to simulate Sanskrit, Cyrillic, etc. If your lover is illiterate, get your face out of her pussy and teach her to read ferChristsakes.

Bon Appétit!
There are few things more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious; meaning that you enjoy the taste, smell and feeling of her vaginal juices. Think of how you respond to a plate of ribs or a nice corned beef on rye. Feel free to say "What a value!," or "Pass the mustard!" or "A pickle would go great with this!" Consider a generous tip - don't just automatically leave 15%.